Suicide is Senseless

My cousin, John, committed suicide on January 3, 2009. He was 52-years-old, a devoted husband and father, a true family man, and a Christian. He had a successful law practice in Marietta, a beautiful home, and everything to live for. He has left everyone in deep sadness, confusion, and with lots of unanswered questions. 

I think what hurts me the most is the wonderful memory I have of growing up with John. I always loved him so much. He had four little girl cousins, and he loved us all. He was 14 when I was born. I have pictures of him holding me as an infant. I looked so tiny in his big hands. He was 6'4" and a star football player. Anyway, he always loved little girls. When he was in college, he would babysit his cousins. He taught us so many things like...how to pinch someone by using your toes; many card tricks; lots of funny jokes; and he was always so good at finding coins behind our ears. He also used to take us swimming in the summers. We used to have big ticklefests, too. I will always remember him during these very happy times. 

He got married when I was 13 to the most beautiful lady. I thought she was just gorgeous! Of course, she still is. Over the years, he was blessed with two little girls of his own. He loved his daughters, loved being a daddy. He loved taking his family on vacations and loved sports. Sports were his big thing. His youngest daughter is a big time soccer player. She is a goalie who has played all over the U.S. and internationally. She is a freshman at LSU on a full soccer scholarship. John drove 16 hours one way to Baton Rouge every weekend to go to her games. He was there when she scored a goal...yes, she is the goalie. It was all over ESPN and other stations. He loved her soccer games. 

John and his wife just celebrated 25 years of marriage. He took the family to the Caribbean to celebrate. So why did he give all of this up? He said in a final e-mail to his wife that he had his own demons to battle. Who doesn't? 

I am hurt, sad, and angry over how all of it happened. On January 2, John was supposed to pick his wife up because her car was in the shop. He sent his oldest daughter. Everyone was home from college. He called his wife and left a message saying not to worry about him if he didn't come home that night...something he had never done before. He needed to think about some things. He left messages on the girls' cell phones and wrote his wife a love note on the pad next to the phone. He turned his phone off and never spoke to his family again. He drove to Huntsville, AL, and got a hotel room. We don't know how long he was in the hotel room. He sent an e-mail to his wife around 5 a.m., on January 3. In the e-mail, he told her he had prayed to God for forgiveness for what he was about to do, and he asked for her forgiveness, too. He said he would miss his daughters so much. He called 911 and told them he was about to kill himself. He wanted them to take his body to our family's funeral home in Arab, AL...just 20 minutes away. I guess he wanted to make it convenient for everyone involved...how thoughtful of him. He left written instructions on how he wanted things taken care of. Finally, he shot himself in the chest. I have wondered almost every day what his last thoughts were and how he could do this to his wife and daughters. It has left me shocked and confused. How can you sit on a bed (I presume he was sitting.) and pull the trigger? How can you not think about all of the people you are leaving behind and all the hurt you will cause? It is by far the most selfish act anyone can commit. It is not the John I knew.

His daughters are struggling to understand. The youngest one still writes to him on his Facebook page. She wrote him a poem. She and her sister read it at the funeral and the memorial service. It tore everyone up. They are so strong and so brave and so, so sad.

Please pray for my cousins as they deal with this horrendous tragedy. 

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear though the earth gives way..." Psalms 46:1-3. Why couldn't John rely on God's promises?

I will leave you with the poem John's youngest daughter wrote to him.

Don’t Cry Daddy

Only a few times in my life,
Have I seen my daddy cry.
The first I can remember
Is when his daddy died.
It was hard to see my hero
Seem so broken down.
But a stronger smile soon replaced
That broken, solemn frown.

Don’t cry daddy,
Hold your head up high.
You’ve always been my superman,
Standing by my side.

A few things I remember
From our younger years,
Is you pinching us with your big toes
And finding coins behind our ears.
You constantly surprised us
With trips and little plans.
You sang in the car with mommy
While Mo and I would laugh.

You always dared us to do flips,
Off the diving board.
You rubbed your scratchy beard
On our bellies in the ‘morn.
You let us romp around the house,
In your size 15 shoes.
You loved your music—every style,
Country, rock, and blues.

The second time I saw you cry,
Was when Sloan graduated school.
The pride that glowed from your smile
Broke all of the rules.
It's hard to understand
How you were sad behind that dimple.
But above all things, I’ve truly learned
That love is never simple.

Don’t cry daddy,
Hold your head up high.
You’ve always been my superman,
Standing by my side.

You always let us fall,
But were there to pick us up.
You wanted us to learn
From the bruises, scrapes, and cuts.
As we grew and learned so much,
You never left our side.
You told us we could change the world
With compassion, truth, and pride.

Daddy, you were always good enough,
Better than the best.
Our biggest man, the strongest man,
Funnier than the rest.
I know you’re in heaven, dancing with God,
Watching the rain fall from above.
You’re teaching even the angels
A thing or two about love.

The last time I ever saw you cry
Was when I made my choice for college.
You knew that Sloan and I were gaining
So much more than knowledge.
I remember hugging you so tight
And your tear hitting my cheek.
I’ve never seen you so very proud
That you simply couldn’t speak.

Don’t cry daddy,
Hold your head up high.
You’ve always been my superman,
Standing by my side.

I imagined we would see you cry
Just a few more times.
When you gave two men your blessings,
And walked us down the aisle.
When you held your baby grandkids
In your strong and loving hands.
How I hope they truly understand
You were the most amazing man.

Don’t cry daddy,
Hold your head up high.
You’ll ALWAYS be our superman,
Standing by our side.